"Chinese pop music sucks..."

...especially when you're forced to listen to it for 6 days straight. I mean, really. It's bad. Imagine a couple of guys who are way prettier than the hottest girl you've ever known, who are dressed like a cross between the Village People and Brittany Spears and BOOM! You've got a Chinese boy band that Chinese teenage girls swoon over. (and the boys like 'em too...)

So... as you've guessed, I'm back from the country and not a minute too soon! It's good good good to be back in my cozy little Beijing apartment. I love smog! I love the heat! I love that i don't live with 50 screaming children!

Now to be fair, i DID manage to have fun, but my employers were a bit slim on the details before I left. (purposely... or else they would've never been able to sucker people into this job...)

I'll give you the day-by-day, blow-by-blow... well, not completely. that would be boring. :)

Tuesday
I was told to meet the bus that would take me to Huairou (Hwy-ro) at 9am at the Beijing Train Station. Great! I thought. That's right by my house. And I know it only takes 10 minutes to get there. Wrong... because I didn't take into account the two things that are the absolute bane of my existence in Beijing:

1) The horrendous traffic. I don't care where you live, the traffic you fight through is nothing compared to Beijing. Sixteen million people live in this city so you can encounter a traffic jam at virtually every time of the day. The traffic's bad but it's only unbearable when combined with the fact that...

2) Beijing taxi drivers LOVE to rip off Westerners. Especially when your Chinese language skills are...well... meager at best. I can deal with Asian toilets that you have to squat over. I can deal with the less-than-stellar hygiene. I can even deal with the pollution. But the one thing that makes me absolutely nuts is when I get the "scenic ride" around Beijing because the driver is trying to make an extra 10 RMB from me. (that's translates to roughly $1.10) It's not the money I'm losing, it's the principle. They will drive into a traffic jam because they figure "hmmm whitey here is rich... I am not... therefore I will make as much money off of her as humanly possible." Meanwhile, I know my neighborhood and know the fastest way to go, but I can't seem to communicate it to the taxi driver. Soooo frustrating.

So, anyway, I made a great first impression because i was 45 minutes late to catch the bus even though I instructed my taxi driver in my caveman Mandarin to go the fast way. Oh well... maybe he was punishing me for speaking his language so badly.

We arrived at the camp after about 2 hours of driving. The first think I noticed was... hmmm... it's green here. Really green. Quite a nice contrast to my temporary adopted city. Beijing is a concrete jungle -- literally. Though you can find patches of grass and trees, someone told me that Mao decided that grass was a "useless pleasantry for the rich" and therefore had workers rip it all out in Beijing. Uh huh... think of that next time you're mowing your lawn.

I also immediately noticed that the camp piped music in ... er... everywhere. Hmmm... I thought... this is kinda nice... pleasant little Chinese melody. I like.

But my enjoyment was short-lived. I soon arrived at my home for the next 6 days. Waaaaaiiiittt a minute. This is a dorm! This where all the children are staying!! Okay, okay, just show me to my private room and I'll be okay. Fat chance, you spoiled American. You're bunking with 6 other people -- two adult women, a little boy, and 3 girls. No this can't be! How will I well... get away from all of you people? What if you snore? What if you're in the bathroom when I want to be there?
Luckily, I wasn't alone. There was another American also suckered into the job with few details. Matt from Minnesota or as I liked to call him -- Matt My Chinese Crutch. Yes, Matt speaks Chinese, so while I did manage to learn a few new things in the country, mostly I just looked at Matt and said "huh? What did they say?"

But fun highlights from the first days include:

1) Freddy, my adopted Chinese son. One of the students at the camp was an 8-year old, chubby boy named Freddy. (Oh by the way, Chinese people who learn English always adopt a Western name) Freddy is an adorable, sweet, happy little boy who would randomly walk up to me and just grab my hand or lean into my thigh and smile up at me. Who knew that a Chinese chubster would make my ovaries kick into overdrive? I swear, I almost snatched him and brought him back with me.

2) Matt and I soon found out that we could escape the screaming children by heading to town. One night the owner of the local snack shop let us ride into town in the back of his pickup truck. Yes, it was dangerous. Yes, I got dirty. But, more importantly, it was fun.

3) Once in town, I tried roasted chicken hearts. They were tasty. (My mother's stomach just flipped over. My father is proud of me.)

4) Immediately, Matt and I notice something very odd about Huairou. Some of the men here don't walk like Chinese men walk. They strut. Chinese men in Beijing do NOT strut. It's not like they shuffle around with their heads down or anything... they more just meander or simply walk or even stroll. But here it's like John Travolta a la Saturday Night Fever has infected some of the men. I swear i can hear the Bee Gees. It gets to the point that we just have to ask someone. Matt -- of course -- starts chatting with some Chinese hairdressers (yes men, no not gay -- that cliche hasn't made it to china) and right away they know what we're talking about. Huairou apparently has gangs. Hence, the strutting is a signal to others "don't f*ck with me" (sorry mom... that was the only appropriate word)

Wednesday
I take a walk. The music follows me. I go deeper into the woods. There are speakers nailed to trees here too. Hmmm... Wait. Where did the Chinese music go? Now they're playing the Muzak version of... um.... some song from the 80s... I know it... I know it... Yes! It's I Wanna Know What Love Is. Hmmm... Foreigner, the elevator version. This is not nearly as enjoyable.

If you're bored at the camp, you can play some games. One of them is ax throwing. I think this is an excellent activity for children.

I am teaching high school students. There's no other word for it. They are annoying.

Thursday
Even when I'm in my room with the door shut, I can still hear the constant din of children screaming and playing. Is this what prison is like? (or motherhood?)

Someone told me today that I look like Celine Dion. This is the second time I've been told this in China. I must leave this place.

One of the Chinese chaperones is a single child. His girlfriend (who's 6 years older...) is also a single child. That means that, by law, they are allowed to have 2 children. Hmmmm... never knew this. Also... he's only 20. He's not allowed to marry his girlfriend until he's 23. (women can marry at 20)

The same Chinese chaperone tells Matt and I that in Guangzhou (a city in the south of China known for weird food) they make soup with human babies. If a woman miscarries, they take the fetus and put it in hot milk with salt. Then they drink the broth. Oh my god... i think I'm gonna toss my fortune cookies...

Friday
If hear I Wanna Know What Love Is one more time, I might go crazy. Why is this music on constantly? Do they find it to be relaxing?

Saturday
I escape prison for a night when Hogan comes with some friends and whisks me away to a little "resort." (chinese style... not exactly the Ritz) Would've been great, except they spoke Chinese all night. I sat there with a stupid smile on my face. Hey.... but at least I got to sleep alone.
There's a kid in my class who sleeps for the entire 2 hours I'm teaching. My ego is starting to be a little bruised. Why doesn't he just stay in bed? Why come here and show me how boring I am?
Freddy makes a little chair out of wood during art class. He gives it to me. I get a little teary eyed.
SundayMatt and i escape -- yet again -- but to our closer haven. There's a little restaurant outside the gates of the camp where we can drink beer away from prying children's eyes (lest they be corrupted) and eat some yummy food. They also have a little "pond" where you can catch your own fish. (which then is promptly killed and gutted in front of you.) Matt and I try this. I secretly feel good when he's the one to catch our dinner. I'm a hypocrite. I'll eat the fish... I just don't want to be directly responsible for its death.

Speaking of fish, I watched the 7 year old who sleeps in my room poke the eyeball out of the fish on our lunch table. He then ate it. That's China for ya.

Monday
Time to go home!! Of course, in typical China fashion, I'm put on the wrong bus and sent with the people who are going to the Northwest of Beijing. I live in the Southeast. I get dumped by the side of the road somehere north of my apartment and have to take a taxi home. But at least my driver takes me there directly. :)

That's it for camp! And it's almost it for me in China! I only have a few days left, but I do think I have one more email left in me. So, until then, dsai jian! (pronounded zi jee-ann. means goodbye) :)

See you soon!
Angela

PS. I just noticed that one of the women in the store downstairs has a mullet. If you know how to say "business in the front and party in the back" in Mandarin, please let me know.