This one is "Lost in Translation"

Alright... I've managed to settle some of my crises (of course, new ones are cropping up, but I'm ignoring those for the moment) and since so many of you are just DYING to know what horrible offensive thing I did over here, I thought I'd take some time to write.

So... my friends... Well, I guess I should write "friends." What can I say? My mother did a terrible job raising me. That must be it. KIDDING MOM!!!

After talking with 2 other Chinese people, I now know what went wrong. I can't say I know EXACTLY what happened but I'm getting a clue. And let me just say... all those things you read about Sino-American relations and cultural snafus and the Chinese "saving face," etc etc... you have NO clue what they mean until you experience it firsthand. And then, if you screw up, don't expect the offended person to be direct with you and tell you exactly what you did. No way. Doesn't work like that. They talk circles around the issue and you're supposed to read between the lines and know what they mean. Um... but... since most of us big dumb americans don't even know what page they're on, reading between the lines is impossible.

So, here's the scenario: My friends are very quiet people. They don't go out at night, they don't drink, they don't spend time in clubs, etc. I like the nightlife. (yeah, big shock to most of you...) My life has also been very quiet, but in Shanghai I managed to meet up with some fellow Westerners and go out for an evening. Now, I told my hosts I would be out late, but that didn't keep them from worrying about me. But that wasn't really the problem. When they told me they'd been worried, they didn't like the way I reacted. Them: "Angela, we don't mind what you do, but we were worried. Please call next time. We didn't realize just how late you'd be out." Me: "okay, I'm very sorry... I didn't call because it was so late and I didn't want to wake you. I'm sorry you worried, but really... I'm okay. I was in busy, crowded places, and I never left the crowd. Please don't worry about me. I'm being very careful out there. I promise. I'll call next time."

Cultural screwup #1: I NEVER should've told them not to worry. Now... as you guys know, that's just sort of a turn of phrase, but here, that's offensive. They really consider me to be like a little sister and they feel responsible for me in everything I do. Everything. It goes much deeper than just worrying about your guests, it's about saving face. If anything were to happen to me, they would be responsible.

Cultural screwup #2: While they said they didn't mind that I was out late, they did. While my friends are pretty modern, they're kinda not. A woman staying out late is a bad woman. Lisa stays home all day long, cleans, cooks, takes care of details and basically does everything for her husband. She does not hang out with friends in a bar. She is a good woman. My character is a bit more dubious... :)

Cultural screwup #3: While they said they didn't mind my personal habits (just naturally I stay up later than them) what I should have done was completely conform to their habits. Though, I have to say, I would have gone absolutely nuts if I hadn't had some nightowl fun in Shanghai. (Did I mention they go to dinner and then come home immediately every night?)

Cultural screwup #4: By making some new friends, I was essentially telling them that I didn't need them. Very bad. Pretty much... when you're being hosted by the Chinese, they feel responsible for being everything to you -- shelter, food, entertainment, money if need be, etc etc. If you forge your own way, you're basically telling them that they're not doing a good enough job for you.

Cultural screwup #5: Okay, so this one's not in the original story, but it'll resonate with a lot of you. My bankcard was stolen and I was freaking out trying to take care of the matter. What I SHOULD have done was go to Tao and ask for his help. And he probably would've given me money and never asked for it to be re-paid. Trying to solve the problem on my own was again a BIG no-no. It was very offensive to them. They are wealthy. They do not care about money. They can give it to me and it makes them look good. This is SO against my nature, I don't think I'll ever get the hang of it.

Okay, so enough of the cultural screwups... there are just too many to count. But is all boils down to this: as someone told me today, nobody does anything alone in China. Independence is not a virtue and quite honestly, if someone is helping you, it's a horrible insult. So, just by my very nature, I'm insulting in this country. Great... let's see if I can p*ss off 1.3 billion Chinese...

Despite about a million apologies and gifts, I'm not sure this will ever be resolved. Apparently, once you screw up, it's very very difficult to put it back together again. But luckily I have a friend of a friend in Beijing who's willing to help me out a bit. (And, he's Chinese, but he understands just how insulting Americans can be... he keeps telling me to stop being so polite.) So, once my visa clears here in Chengdu, I'm flying back to Beijing.

And on the flipside, while part of me feels horrible for what's happened, part of me is relieved. It's hard to rely so heavily on someone for help with everything and to not know if you're showing your gratitude in the proper way. I guess I'd rather just pay for an apartment in Beijing and do my own thing. Oh wait... this is my pesky independence getting in the way again. Whoops... bad American. Bad Bad Bad.

I have lots of fun experiences to share with you guys also, but it'll just have to wait. I gotta get back out there... you know, I've got some work to do. There are a lot of people here I have yet to offend. :)

With (more) wrinkles and gray hair from China...
Ang