I heard yesterday that one of my bestfriends told another friend (who lives here in Greencastle) about my possible move to the Netherlands. (which is now definate) She then said something along the lines of "Angela is trying to find herself."

I've been thinking about this since it was told to me. And it upsets me. A lot. More than it should, probably. I mean, "trying to find herself" is a term you use for 22 year old kids who are going backpacking, not me. Is it?

Now some context: my bestfriends (who I met here in this little town and who I feel very lucky to have) are all living the "normal" adult life. They have good jobs. They have husbands. They have nice houses. They drive nice cars. They take nice vacations. They have (or are thinking of having) babies. I'm very happy for them. I love that they love their lives and that they are comfortable and secure.

But why is it when you live your life differently than what's expected that some (most) of your friends and family think that you're not happy... or you're floundering... or you're "trying to find yourself?" Are my choices scary to my friends? I mean, if I can live this way... travel alone to China... take a break from my career... move to the Netherlands to be with a man I've only known for 3 months... does it somehow comment on their more traditional lives in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable? Or do they just simply not understand my choices? Does happiness to them always mean stability?

Yes, one day I would like to marry again and own a nice home. I would like to have children. (hmmm... might be running out of time for this... let's say " a child.") But I also know I have time for this. Lots of it. And I also wouldn't trade the experiences I've had (or am about to have) for anything. I know -- almost without doubt -- that I will regret very little when I'm a little old lady. I will be able to look back and say proudly that I wasn't scared. That I tried... and failed at times... and succeeded at other times.

Every person I know over the age of 40 has those "i wish I would have..." thoughts. And even the happiest of them obsesses over these regrets, just a little.

So, no, my bank account isn't fat (actually it's quite slim... contributions to the "Move for Love Fund" are welcome...), my retirement account is rather dismal too, I'm slinging food and drinks to unappreciative low-tippers, and I have to go learn Dutch. (Can you think of a more useless language?)

But despite all of this, I'm happy. Very. And I know exactly who I am.