Okay, so finally the story about the big angry Dutch guy. (I've climbed outta my pit o' despair long enough to write...)

So, the other night.... M and I went to the gym. (and yes, thank you, the weight loss is going pretty well, though the Week of Depression -- as I like to call last week -- did make a bit of a dent in it.) Anyhoo... on our way home, we were roadblocked my mobs of people and cars trying to get into the soccer stadium which stands between the gym and our home.

As we were wending and wielding our bikes in and out of traffic, a big blue BMW came between me and M. In other words, the guy cut me off. M noticed and in a fit of anger (remember my bike accident? I think he thinks that I might injure myself on my bike...) he slapped the beemer's trunk. Now, this act didn't do any damage, of course, but I'm sure it sounded REALLY loud inside the car. The guy opened his door and he and Martijn exchanged a few angry words in Dutch.

2 brief notes: 1) The bike is KING here. For example, if you take your driver's license test and fail to use your mirrors continuously to check for bikers, you will fail immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. 2) The cliche in Holland is that BMW drivers are heinously aggressive and arrogant. Both of these points came into play in M's anger at the BMW guy.

So, after the flurry of angry Dutch words, M and I were on our merry way home. We're biking along happily (it wasn't raining, so I was happy...) when I hear the screech of car tires behind me. I throw a glance over my shoulder and -- lo and behold -- I see a very tall, kinda tubby, Dutch guy quickly exiting his beemer and even more quickly striding towards me.

I was flabbergasted. We were a street over from the stadium, the guy had already been in the parking lot (and there was a huge lineup of cars still waiting to get in) and so he must have gotten out of line to see if he could find us. I had a second to register just how idiotic this is when he grabs my bike and stops me. I gotta say, that scared me. And apparently, my reaction to being scared is to... uh... scream like a banshee. I jumped off my bike and....

Warning for parents: You may want to keep the following sentences from your childrens', young, impressionable eyes...

YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!! HOW DARE YOU STOP ME!!!!??? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!???? BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH....

Needless to say, M has stopped and turned around by this point (he was a little ahead of me) and the Dutch guy is looking at me like "Oh shit, I gotta bitch this woman out in English??? I didn't realize this was gonna be like a test."

Anyway, the guy proceeded to whine over the fact we'd "touched his car" and ask such gripping questions as "what gave us the right to touch his car?" All the time, I'm saying such stupid things as (while my knees are shaking... 'cause a) I'm kinda afraid b) the guy's big but c) apparently I go completely apeshit when someone touches me in anger and therefore cannot keep my mouth shut) :

1) Oh, gee, sorry, mister. If you like, I'll run back to your car and wipe off those fingerprints. Will that make you feel better?

2) Now don't you feel just a little silly getting out of line to chase us down and, what? To teach us a lesson? Oh wow, you really showed me.

3) Do you have a wife or girlfriend? Yes. And if someone cut her off and almost hurt her, you'd be angry right? Um, yeah. And you might do something impulsive, right? Sorta like what you're doing now? You know, get outta line and chase down complete strangers? Uhhhhhhhh.... yeah, but that doesn't give you any right to touch my car!

Anyhoo, this all ended with M issuing an apology, which I guess is all the guy wanted. The gorilla even smiled when he left. I thought the whole thing was silly and had a good laugh over it, but M was a bit embarrassed. He said he realized that his impulsive reaction had unintentionally put me in danger.

I'm just suprised my smartass mouth didn't get me clocked. However, I did say to M that, in true, litigious, American fashion, I was thinking the whole time "Yeah, go ahead buddy. Hit me. I'll OWN your BMW."